So here we are in March 2021!!! Wow time files when you’re having fun…..Where are we now?? I had my second surgery end of December. They call it an exchange surgery- you exchange your hockey puck tissue expanders for some nice soft, plush implants that feel so real!! If you know, you know, and its a super exciting process. You get some kind of normalcy back, but with a little round, perky edge. Its quite nice!! Me and the sisters are getting to know each other and they are fitting in nicely so far! I opted for a mini abdominoplasty (aka mini tummy tuck) along with this exchange because how often do you happen to be in the OR with a plastic surgeon??? And, no, I don’t have shredded abs because of this part of the surgery, lol. I have less loose skin and nice scar from basically hip to hip! All in all, this exchange was a BREEZE compared to the mastectomy in a physical sense, but mentally was a little more challenging. Colder weather, less sunny skies and I was restricted from exercise for longer. But, all in all, very easy and now I am 8 weeks out and feel like myself again. She got lost for a bit, I didn’t even realize but BAM- she came back and it sure does feel good. I kind of missed that spunky ol’ emotional volatile gal…. she brings some spunk and it keeps these boys on their toes.
So here we are…now what? Honestly, nothing! Just life! For me, I was so fortunate. I barely had time to know I had cancer before it was gone ,much less to “live with it.” I am not some hero bc of this or any stronger than any of you who are living with and going through whatever it is that has come your way. We are ALL survivors, different ways, different stories but all survivors. And honestly I don’t want to just survive, I want to thrive, but thats just me. Its easy for me to move on bc its really as if I never had it. I just had reason to get some new tata’s and some extra skin removed- it was just two surgeries I had to recover from, not living in an arena of ongoing treatments, which so many of you have had to do and are still doing. That mental game, that faith, that trust, that is a hero.
Do I live in a space of worrying about recurrence? Honestly, no. My dark head space goes to what was wrong with my immune system to begin with for it to happen. What did I do wrong with my diet? It goes to me feeling like a fraud because I am working my dream job of coaching others in their own health and wellness journey and I had a cancer diagnosis. Talk about feeling inadequate. That is the mental battle I have to fight.
But, because of my own journey my body was so strong and I owned those two surgeries like a boss (thats so arrogant, right?)!!! But I did, yall. It was not a hard journey. It took some grit and alot of patience but it was not hard. I was also so spoiled and loved and well taken care of which allowed me to push through. But, no, I do not worry about recurrence or live in a state of what if’s. Im not sure of the reason. Denial? Head buried in the sand?? Maybe, i have no idea. The only thing I can come up with is what good will it do me to worry about this? And If I am worrying then I need to change something so I can not worry any longer. But there isn’t anything I would change with my lifestyle. I am eating as clean and balanced as its gonna get. I mean I can always add in more plants, generally speaking, Im really content and don’t want to be extreme with my nutrition. I exercise, I pray, I have low stress, really positive mindset. All the things these books and doctors tell you are the reason you get cancer (lifestyle, stress, etc..), check! I am doing it all!! There isnt anything more I can do to alter any outcome that may or may not happen. So then I say, “alright, what will be will be.”
I completely trust the sovereignty of God. I am not afraid of death and I am not afraid of suffering. I am doing everything I can do that is comfortable and sustainable for me to prevent a recurrence, so therefore , the rest is not up to me. And I have peace with this. Do I want to suffer? Hell no. Do I want to die? 100 percent hell no. If I think about it long enough will I cry and be super sad thinking about leaving my husband and my boys and my family and friends behind bc my story was that I passed on earlier than I wanted? Yes, yes and yes. But why think about that? Why go there and get all worked up bc if it happens, it happens and ya know what? We will be ok. We will live through it and we will have peace. So, no, I don’t worry about it coming back bc if it does it was just how my story was supposed to go and so be it. Ill go down swinging. I have too much life to live right now and too much fun to have and hopefully much more encouragement to spread to be worrying about what may or may not be.
So what now? Well, its been fun sharing this journey but I am done talking about this part. Its time to move on and blog about other things. So this will the be the wrap up of this part of the story. Unless, of course, new developments occur. I think from here Im gonna start talking about the things I have done that helped me along the way. Maybe I can send some encouragement that eating that bag of chips really will be ok. Ya know a little lighter, perhaps applicable to your life. Im just not exactly sure.
I AM sure that I want to help others figure out how to live a balanced journey of health and wellness. I AM sure that I love to encourage and cheer others on. Im a solid enneagram type 7 wing 6 so you know even if I commit to a plan for yall, it will change with the wind. Committing and consistency are a big struggle for me, WHICH IS WHY if I can find that in my life ANYONE can!!!
Until the next one…..