Everything is Purposed….

Almost two weeks post op from the bilateral mastectomy and the start of the reconstruction and it feels like a year. For real. I mean, 11 days is not that long in the big scheme and when I step back and realize only a few more days of drains (hopefully) I can refocus and shift my perspective. Gah there is just so much I can say and I dont want to write as discombobulated as my mind feels darting from one point to the next as to not bore you or confuse you. So, I will stay focused on this one big aha moment I had over the last few weeks. Everything is purposed and sometimes shit just happens.

If you dont know me, its important for this particular blog to understand my worldview. Simply put, I believe in one God and that He created the world and everything in it. I believe in His sovereignty and that everything along each of our journeys can be used for good and purposed to grow us and use us. And yes, I believe He lets things happen to us, which is different than “causes” or “does this to us.”

This can be confusing because while I believe as I stated above ,I realize through this particular little adventure I am on that I must have also believed somewhere that I have way more control over some things in my life than I realized. Particularly in the “health and wellness” department. Let me explain.

I was watching a documentary on healing. To be fair, I havent finished it yet. However just from the beginning part the main idea of it is that our mind, body and spirit need to be aligned. If they are aligned and thinking specific focused thoughts along with removing stress from your life in addition too eating clean whole foods you can be healed. This is a very simplified version. As I am watching this documentary about positive thinking, eating clean, lowering stress I am like “ummmm, this is pretty much what I do.” It was weird. Im thankful for so many reasons for my health and wellness journey but this moment I was SOOOO thankful bc it made me realize, “man, sometimes shit just happens.” Of course, there is always room for improvement in our mindset and what we put in our bodies. Had I not already been living a 90/10 lifestyle of proper hydration, regular exercise, clean/whole food anti-inflammatory nutritional approach I would be just so stressed right now trying destress my life and control what I ate and “do” all these things to cure or get rid of this cancer and prevent any new cancer bc once they take it out lets not kid ourselves, it can come back and in a different area and all the things. And yes, I believe this is the right approach and I will continue to tweak my nutrition and look to decrease any stress . But had I not already been doing these things I would have had this false sense of control by doing these things. And I would have been so focused it would have caused even more stress while I was supposed to be decreasing the stress!! You feeling me??? Its crazy making.

Which brings me full circle to my worldview. Doing the “right” things–living a lifestyle of eating clean and decreasing your stress, drinking alkaline water (which Im totally still doing, btw), exercising regularly, trying to decrease environmental toxins- doing all these things is not a guarantee youre not going to get cancer. Doing the “right thing” doesn’t mean things are gonna work out in the way you want or expect. This is not the prosperity gospel. We are promised trouble, we are promised suffering and should count it a blessing to be able to suffer. We should do the right thing bc its the right thing to do, not bc we expect life to go the way we have it planned. I will continue to live the way I have been living because it makes me feel amazing and I believe its the best for us and our health. I will promote this way of life because I do believe it will serve us best for our overall health and decrease our disease stricken country. And it has served me well for my recovery. However, I am also well aware its not a guarantee and I am ok with this…..ish…lol. Dont believe the prosperity gospel.

When “it” happens, whatever “it” is, its not because of something you did or did not do. We live in a broken world and bad things happen to good people all the time. But when it does happen, look around you and know your’e not alone. God is there and He is faithful. Even if you’re not someone who practices a faith, it doesn’t make it any less true. He shows up through your community, through songs, through nature, through friends and family. He is there through the suffering in the valley and on the mountaintop. We just have to choose to see Him.

I could write and write about how God has been in every detail of this journey. I mean like really small details all the way to ‘Ive made it this far and survived the operation so clearly He’s not done with me’ big picture. But thats for another day. As for now, I am feeling stitched up (probably because I am) and tight like I have two big round reflectors sewed to my chest. I am using my mental strength to choose be thankful for these drains instead of hate them, choosing to be thankful I can walk and move, choosing to be thankful for this journey. This is something I havent really had to actively practice in a long time as my life was pretty much on a fabulous cruise control of joy so it was just a constant state of being thankful. Then it got derailed like freight train. But any complaint I may have I try and turn it somehow into something to be thankful for- which takes practice and I mean, call it cheesy but it actually works. Its crazy. Try it. Somehow your heart changes after you say thank you about the thing you are annoyed by.

I always want to encourage you- this feels a little scattered and I hope I didnt confuse you and want to make run to eat Mcdonalds and say “it doesnt matter anyway.” Because it does matter. Your health can make or break your day and its worth it to make it a priority. Enjoy the journey……